As I take a break from studying thermo, I once again pause to consider the futility of life without God. As time increases towards infinity, my lifetime becomes infinitely small. These sixty to eighty years will be over very soon indeed. All that I do and all that I have done will be no longer remembered. That which those around me say is worth working towards will be forgotten, and therefore cease to have existed...more or less. Is hedonism a worthwhile venture? It promises much. Yet once the moments of pleasure have passed, and the memory of them has faded, they may well have not happened at all. Why then continue on? Why bother to get out of bed tomorrow if all incentives are so ephemeral? Of course! To serve the Lord is to gain that which lasts! So then, if this pursuit is all that is worthwhile, I ought to then invest every moment of my time towards this. Why waste any time in meaningless activities when every one of my actions can have eternal consequences? Thus I arrive at the conclusion I always do. *sigh* What am I doing here at school anyway? Why am I not out on the streets proclaiming aloud the gospel of Jesus Christ? Why am I not spending every free moment talking to and praising the Lord God, who has done SO much for me? How I long to be in that relationship again!! What inhibits me? I wish I knew. Well, for now, on to smaller and lesser things.

I really don't like starting off on such a pessimistic note. However, this is quite possibly the most spiritually dry season my soul has ever had. Quite honestly, I don't have any joy joy joy joy down in my heart right now. What is more troubling, I don't know anyone who does! Since I have come to LeTourneau, I have gotten to know probably over one hundred people on a first name basis. Yet with not one have I been able to talk about my spiritual life with any depth! Only several people I know at least understand church to be an organization that you are a part of as opposed to a building you visit once a week for an hour or two. I spent my first two years trying to incite the involvement of my floormates in each other's spiritual lives. "What better an opportunity," I suggested, "for spiritual growth and accountability, than in a residence hall with twenty five other christians?" To contrast, I did not know of more than three professing christians in my high school graduating class. I received at best, a shrug and at worst, cold and apathetic complacency from my dormmates. Is my assertion absurd? Surely there must be a good number of other christians who are actively seeking God on this campus. Where can they be found? Chapel? P&P? LSM? AIM? Have I just unwittingly not plugged myself in to the vast ocean of biblical fellowship at LeTourneau? I am certainly not in fellowship here. The wind has long since abandoned the sails and the ship is beginning to sink. Am I all alone?